Thursday, January 15, 2009

coming soon to a post office near you: epic fail

That’s it, the party’s over, turn out the lights. There is enough in this, the official White House photo of soon-to-be President Barack Obama, to tell you that all the hope you were hoping for is hopeless.

First off, note the center-right framing!

. . . and what’s with all that head-room?

Second, the contrast ratio: F-L-A-T. In other words: Bo-o-o-o-r-ri-i-i-ing! Look, I know you don’t want the first noir president to look all film noir, but really, couldn’t we spice this up a little? Lower the fill a bit? Give him a kicker maybe? Throw up a cookie on the background? At least break it up with a flag or finger?

Third, that tie! It looks like swag from an American Legion convention. Go back to that iridescent pale blue number you love so much—yeah, it’s a little Wedding/Bar Mitzvah guest-ie, but it was understated, classy even. Or, better yet, you’re young, you’re skinny, how about a tie to match?

. . . and that knot! I know PEBO can tie a better knot—if there is one thing I will take away from the 2008 election cycle, it is that Barack Obama knows how to tie a great half-windsor. . . but this, this is like Michelle tied it around her neck, then loosened it, then slipped it over Barack’s head and retightened it, all while checking her Blackberry. Sloppy, sloppy work.

. . . and, I’m not a big fan of seeing collar over the knot—especially when you have a stylist on hand. Uh, you did have a stylist on hand, right?

And, finally, not least of all, that fucking flag pin!!!!! Barack, baby, you are president now—you don’t have to sacrifice fashion for votes anymore! Ditch the lapel lesion. It doesn’t do anything for me—fashion-wise or politics-wise.

. . . and, guess what? It ain’t fooling the wingnuts, either. Laura Bush’s former press secretary (now LA times “blogger”) Andrew Malcolm is already giving you shit about it. Guys who care that much about a flag pin? These guys don’t like you! Never have, never will.

All of the above should obviously be taken to heart—trust me on this—but if you learn nothing else from this post, note the last point. This should be a lesson for ya’—and not just when it comes to your choice of cheap jewelry.

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Tuesday, January 13, 2009

Bush: 30,000 rooftop rescues = success

Still-President George W. Bush, looking on Monday morning like most of America now feels, stood before the White House press corps one last time to express his undying gratitude for their piss-poor performance during his eight-years in office. From groggy start to rambling finish, it was a jaw-dropping performance.

In keeping with a long-standing pattern, Bush repeatedly “admitted” that his “rhetoric” might not have been right (“Obviously, some of my rhetoric has been a mistake.”). All the deeds were fine; he just didn’t sell them well. For the Boy King, this has always been the PR presidency; he is now just more loose-lipped about it. Like with so many crappy, Peter-Principled CEO types, he has made the strategy the tactic.

In that vain vein, the most startling moment to my ear and eye was Bush’s perception of his failure to respond to Hurricane Katrina with anything resembling appropriate gravity:

Don't tell me the federal response was slow when there was 30,000 people pulled off roofs right after the storm passed.

You know, I remember going to see those helicopter drivers, Coast Guard drivers, to thank them. . .

Wait, hang on—I just have to interrupt for minute: “Helicopter drivers?” “Coast Guard Drivers?”

I think we call them “pilots.”

OK, carry on. . . .

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