Wednesday, November 22, 2006


OK, so, earlier today, I’m sitting in Aroma (what can I say, I’m a glutton for punishment), trying to get some writing done, and I look up to refresh my eyes/brain/neck/whatever, and I start reading the news headlines that subtly scroll below the inexplicable video loop of shots from an Italian air show and guys on trampolines that plays on the big flat panel TV that graces the western wall (no, not that Western Wall!), and I catch this headline:

Barbara Bush has Purse Swiped

What? And not “What?” like “Oh, the outrage!” but “What?” like “Who the hell cares?”

Well, obviously, for some reason, I do, because I hopped aboard the wireless Internets thingy that they have at Aroma to find out why this was news.

First, let me say that when I saw the name, I assumed I was reading about the mother. But, as I discovered, the Barbara in question was the daughter. . . and the daughter was in Buenos Aires.

Which lead to two other questions: Don’t the daughters have secret service all over them, and, what the hell is she doing Argentina?

To answer the first question, yes. But they didn’t see it happen.

Barbara Bush, 24, was "not in the immediate proximity" of the bag when it was stolen.

Really? Where was she? And what, your job description doesn’t cover the purse, so snatch at will? I don’t know about you, but just about every woman I know keeps a close watch on their bag when out on the town, unless they’re—hey, watch it! This isn’t Jenna we’re talking about!

All I can say to the Secret Service is: Good going, guys!

As to why Babs, and her twin sister, too, it turns out, were in Buenos Aires, well, that took a little more searching.

And, oh lawdy, look what I found.

First off, did anyone out there know that Jenna is working for UNICEF and living in Panama? Yeah, I’m not really buying that one, either. But wait, as they say in the news business, there’s more!

Jenna has also been seen recently in Paraguay, where, it turns out, George H. W. Bush has bought something like 99,000 acres near a rather developed air base near the Brazilian/Bolivian border. . . and he did it just after the Paraguayan government passed some sort of law that guarantees US troops and officials immunity from national and international war crimes charges.

And—stay with me now—there are now like 500 US troops and a bunch of mercenaries at this big airbase, and the land right next to this Bush estate, thousands of acres of it, is owned by. . . wait for it. . .

The Moonies!

Dizzying, I know.

Now, all that conspiratorial hilarity comes courtesy of Wonkette (from about a month ago), and they get it from a series of Latin American sources, who might or might not be basing reports on a piece in a state-owned Cuban paper, so, though I’m not saying any of this isn’t true, let’s just say the story is “developing.” (Yes, I’m winking at you, Matt Drudge, and by inference, at you, Mark Halperin!)

However, if you do a little more clicking, as some procrastinators might just find themselves doing, you will find stuff that says the Bush family apparently has purchased this land as an “ecological reserve,” and that this land just happens to sit next to some natural gas reserves and atop a fresh water aquifer bigger than Texas and California put together.

So, you tell me, is this a parable about of the evils of the Internet, or an example of how, if you know the right people, you can do well instead of doing time?

As for Barbara’s purse, to cut this long story short, it has put me in mind of a joke:

What was the difference between Barbara and Jenna’s experiences during their Argentine vacation?

Barbara had her bag snatched, while Jenna. . . .

Thank you very much. I’ll be here all week.

[ed. note: Actually, I may not be here all week, as I take some time to bake cupcakes and try to get some very high pressure writing done—wish me luck on both!]

Happy Thanksgiving, everyone!


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